Today was supposed to be T- and I's (grammar?) date in Toronto, but it didn't happen because of the fact that the bus schedule is ridiculous- we would have barely had any time together.
It doesn't matter, because we'll have all weekend together. <3
I took 400 mg tramadol tonight. It's the first time I've taken tramadol for the first time since my OD.
It occurs to me that I've gone through a 200 count bottle of T-1s this past week. I've been taking about thirty per day. I ran out last night, which is why I turned to the tramadol as a last resort. It doesn't do shit for me anymore, but it helps my joint pain a little at least.
Tomorrow, I'm going downtown to see what I can find. Someone, somewhere, has to have some pills. Half of it is the fact that I hurt, everywhere, every day, and the other half is quite simply the fact that I love how they make me feel.
At least I have T- to look forward to.
- FoxyContin
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Monday, February 1, 2010
Dopamine chic.
Hello, readers. Yes, I am still alive and kicking. In fact, I went on a bit of an online shopping spree today, heh. Let me show you what I ordered.
Some extra serotonin, which I sorely need:
This plum snakeskin pillbox, so I can look classy while I do drugs:
And finally, a sterling silver dopamine molecule, so I can take a little bit of feelsgoodman wherever I go:
Also, T- is coming to stay for the weekend. We're getting a hotel together. I don't care anymore. Right now, what I want more than anything, is to be with someone who thinks I'm beautiful and likes me as I am. I don't care if this makes me a bad person, because lord knows I've tried. In the past week alone I've been criticized, yelled at, insulted, sworn at, and I've been brought to tears at least once almost every day by the man I've given more second chances than I can count. I didn't go with T- on New Years, and I've regretted that decision for a month now.
I want to be with T-, and I'm sick of being hurt by the Boy.
I have secured two wonderful school friends who are all systems go for future roommating purposes. They're fun, smart, and responsible. Within the next few months, I will be living with them and the Boy will be moving to Vaughan. I've already told him that when he moves, I won't be. I don't think he believes me, since he never- without exception- EVER listens to me.
T- makes me happy; the Boy does not. Not anymore. I don't care if this means I am a bad person- I'm a bad person anyway, a crazy, drug-addled bitch. The Boy isn't happy with me, so in a sense, I'm doing him a favour.
I'm not going to rub it in his face. I don't want to hurt him. I'm going to let him down easily. I will miss what we had years ago, but it's not like that anymore. He'll be a lot better off without me, and I will be a lot happier with T-. Fuck, T- knows all about me. My suicide attempts, my eating disorder, my psychiatric issues, my drug abuse... everything. I can talk to him about anything. We've talked for ten hours at a stretch. There is not a single person in this world I have ever felt this open with, and I'm not exaggerating. He knows everything about me that is horrible, and yet he still finds the time every day to tell me how much he cares about me and that he can't get his mind off me.
That's what I want. I want to feel attractive, and wanted, and loved. I want it, the Boy doesn't give it to me, and T- does. That's all it comes down to. I've made my choice.
- FoxyContin
Some extra serotonin, which I sorely need:
This plum snakeskin pillbox, so I can look classy while I do drugs:
And finally, a sterling silver dopamine molecule, so I can take a little bit of feelsgoodman wherever I go:
Also, T- is coming to stay for the weekend. We're getting a hotel together. I don't care anymore. Right now, what I want more than anything, is to be with someone who thinks I'm beautiful and likes me as I am. I don't care if this makes me a bad person, because lord knows I've tried. In the past week alone I've been criticized, yelled at, insulted, sworn at, and I've been brought to tears at least once almost every day by the man I've given more second chances than I can count. I didn't go with T- on New Years, and I've regretted that decision for a month now.
I want to be with T-, and I'm sick of being hurt by the Boy.
I have secured two wonderful school friends who are all systems go for future roommating purposes. They're fun, smart, and responsible. Within the next few months, I will be living with them and the Boy will be moving to Vaughan. I've already told him that when he moves, I won't be. I don't think he believes me, since he never- without exception- EVER listens to me.
T- makes me happy; the Boy does not. Not anymore. I don't care if this means I am a bad person- I'm a bad person anyway, a crazy, drug-addled bitch. The Boy isn't happy with me, so in a sense, I'm doing him a favour.
I'm not going to rub it in his face. I don't want to hurt him. I'm going to let him down easily. I will miss what we had years ago, but it's not like that anymore. He'll be a lot better off without me, and I will be a lot happier with T-. Fuck, T- knows all about me. My suicide attempts, my eating disorder, my psychiatric issues, my drug abuse... everything. I can talk to him about anything. We've talked for ten hours at a stretch. There is not a single person in this world I have ever felt this open with, and I'm not exaggerating. He knows everything about me that is horrible, and yet he still finds the time every day to tell me how much he cares about me and that he can't get his mind off me.
That's what I want. I want to feel attractive, and wanted, and loved. I want it, the Boy doesn't give it to me, and T- does. That's all it comes down to. I've made my choice.
- FoxyContin
Thursday, January 14, 2010
I have so many pills.
It wouldn't be hard, if I really made a go of it. There's tramadol, at least forty 400 mg tabs of it. There's Epival and Effexor. Probably some leftover, expired Cipralex and Risperidal, somewhere. I have Zoloft. I have dramamine to stop me from vomiting, and diphenhydramine, cyclobenzaprine, and Seroquel to put me to sleep. I have codeine. I have Robaxacet. I have aspirin, acetaminophen, ibuprofen, naproxen, and lots of cough suppressants- the good kind, with dextromethorphan to make me hallucinate and keep me distracted while everything shuts down.
I have a 40 of vodka hidden beside my bed. If I took as much as I could, as fast as I could, and washed it all down with that, it might just work this time.
I need to get some fucking sleep.
- FoxyContin
I have a 40 of vodka hidden beside my bed. If I took as much as I could, as fast as I could, and washed it all down with that, it might just work this time.
I need to get some fucking sleep.
- FoxyContin
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
It ought to be criminal.
I got this message when I logged on to MSN today:
(T--)@hotmail.com said (2:07 AM):
My horoscope: The planets favor this love and now you can't stay away. You're drawn to each other with a force from above, but unfortunately there may be others in the way. The heavens have no right or wrong - they simply are the way things are when your heart is drunk with poetry.
Je t'adore. <3
- FoxyContin
(T--)@hotmail.com said (2:07 AM):
My horoscope: The planets favor this love and now you can't stay away. You're drawn to each other with a force from above, but unfortunately there may be others in the way. The heavens have no right or wrong - they simply are the way things are when your heart is drunk with poetry.
Je t'adore. <3
- FoxyContin
Sunday, January 10, 2010
This bitch is indestructable.
I'm still alive. And what's perhaps most impressive (and stupid) is that I even stayed out of the hospital.
I'm feeling much better, although I find that now I am completely unable to eat. Amazing. No, I'm not going to overdose again to keep my appetite down, buut I will admit that I'm happy about this little side effect. Today I ate half a grilled chicken breast with tomato sauce. Yesterday, I ate five chicken wings and a pickle slice. The day before, I ate... uh, nothing. Day before that... nothing. I'm down to about 137, now.
I'd like to give a shout-out to my readers and to those who have taken the time to leave their comments for me, especially Allura, Aragorn (Yes, I remember you, and I'm never on MSN anymore... don't worry, we will talk soon, I hope, haha) and F. It's nice to know that you guys are out there and that you will listen to all the crazy shit I have to say. <3
So, other updates... well, nothing much, really. Although it's really close to breaking point for me and the Boy, now. I think my little moment of nostalgia back in Niagara was a mistake. I wish I would have gone with T- to the Falls... of course, I might just be irritated that the Boy's brother and sister made a giant fucking mess of the house and they all watched movies and played video games and had a grand time while I was lying on the bathroom floor with blood dripping out of my mouth. He doesn't give a shit. While he was at work today, I cleaned up some of the ungodly mess, and I ended up lying on the couch shaking a bit because I'm still really weak, and when he got home the first thing out of his mouth was "where's the food?" Fuck you.
I don't care. T- and I are going to go on our little date soon, in Toronto. We talked for almost two hours on the phone today just about nothing.
He's amazing.
If I didn't have him out there telling me to stay safe, I don't really know what I'd do.
- FoxyContin
I'm feeling much better, although I find that now I am completely unable to eat. Amazing. No, I'm not going to overdose again to keep my appetite down, buut I will admit that I'm happy about this little side effect. Today I ate half a grilled chicken breast with tomato sauce. Yesterday, I ate five chicken wings and a pickle slice. The day before, I ate... uh, nothing. Day before that... nothing. I'm down to about 137, now.
I'd like to give a shout-out to my readers and to those who have taken the time to leave their comments for me, especially Allura, Aragorn (Yes, I remember you, and I'm never on MSN anymore... don't worry, we will talk soon, I hope, haha) and F. It's nice to know that you guys are out there and that you will listen to all the crazy shit I have to say. <3
So, other updates... well, nothing much, really. Although it's really close to breaking point for me and the Boy, now. I think my little moment of nostalgia back in Niagara was a mistake. I wish I would have gone with T- to the Falls... of course, I might just be irritated that the Boy's brother and sister made a giant fucking mess of the house and they all watched movies and played video games and had a grand time while I was lying on the bathroom floor with blood dripping out of my mouth. He doesn't give a shit. While he was at work today, I cleaned up some of the ungodly mess, and I ended up lying on the couch shaking a bit because I'm still really weak, and when he got home the first thing out of his mouth was "where's the food?" Fuck you.
I don't care. T- and I are going to go on our little date soon, in Toronto. We talked for almost two hours on the phone today just about nothing.
He's amazing.
If I didn't have him out there telling me to stay safe, I don't really know what I'd do.
- FoxyContin
Friday, January 8, 2010
Overdose.
I took 800 mg of tramadol at one time the day before yesterday. Yeah, I caught a buzz, but then things went downhill incredibly fucking fast.
I was so sick yesterday I thought I'd die. I was freezing cold (I actually had a reverse-fever, my temperature was 96.6) and sweating and shaking and twitching... and worst of all, vomiting uncontrollably. And since I had nothing in my system, I was throwing up acid, bile, and blood. I've broken so many blood vessels in my neck and cheeks, I have red and purple spots all over- it looks disgusting. Worst, I think, was the splitting headache. It was like a migraine, but dare I say it... almost MORE painful.
Today, I feel a little better, but I'm still weak and dizzy, since I'm so dehydrated. Trying to drink water and stuff. Oh, and Gatorade. I'm so stupid. Tramadol isn't like other opiates...!
Anyway, on to better things. T- and I are going to try to meet up in the next few weeks- innocently, though. Just for a little date. We're going to go to Toronto, which is halfway between where he lives and where I live, and go to the art gallery or the ROM; haven't decided yet.
Is it strange that the most erotic thing anyone has ever said to me is this?
"I want to do lines of coke off your body and lick up the residue."
Mmm.
- FoxyContin
I was so sick yesterday I thought I'd die. I was freezing cold (I actually had a reverse-fever, my temperature was 96.6) and sweating and shaking and twitching... and worst of all, vomiting uncontrollably. And since I had nothing in my system, I was throwing up acid, bile, and blood. I've broken so many blood vessels in my neck and cheeks, I have red and purple spots all over- it looks disgusting. Worst, I think, was the splitting headache. It was like a migraine, but dare I say it... almost MORE painful.
Today, I feel a little better, but I'm still weak and dizzy, since I'm so dehydrated. Trying to drink water and stuff. Oh, and Gatorade. I'm so stupid. Tramadol isn't like other opiates...!
Anyway, on to better things. T- and I are going to try to meet up in the next few weeks- innocently, though. Just for a little date. We're going to go to Toronto, which is halfway between where he lives and where I live, and go to the art gallery or the ROM; haven't decided yet.
Is it strange that the most erotic thing anyone has ever said to me is this?
"I want to do lines of coke off your body and lick up the residue."
Mmm.
- FoxyContin
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Taking the black pill.
When I take diet pills, I don't settle for the "gentle," fat-flushing girly kind you get at Shopper's Drug Mart, I look for the unhealthiest, harshest, borderline-illegal thing I can get my hands on. This time, it's these black capsules with ridiculous amounts of caffeine, guarana, and various other things that I got from the bodybuilders' store downtown. (Same place I got the ephedrine from before, except the guy I can get that stuff from wasn't around.)
Diet pills really don't work that well, I know, but these at least give me a lot of energy and kind of kill my appetite because they make my stomach hurt. It's the best I can do without resorting to street drugs or illicitly obtained prescriptions for Adderall or something... which I'm actually going to attempt to do, soon. Apparently, though doctor-shopping for opiates is next to impossible nowadays, getting a scrip for ADD drugs is surprisingly easy, as long as you don't look like a meth addict I guess. This is according to my speed-freak toxic twin, anyway, who says that amphetamines were a huge help when it came to finishing his MA.
So anyway, I took three of the black pills about an hour ago and I feel like shit right now, but I'm glad I feel that way because I have no desire to eat. I forgot, however, that I have an appointment with my shrink at 2:00 today, and I'm shaking like a goddamn leaf right now. I guess I can just tell him I'm cold, or getting over a fever or something. If I'd remembered I had an appointment today, I'd have probably waited to take the pills, or maybe taken one instead of three.
I should cut this short. The Boy's sister is wandering around... and also, I need to get ready to leave for the doc's.
- FoxyContin
Diet pills really don't work that well, I know, but these at least give me a lot of energy and kind of kill my appetite because they make my stomach hurt. It's the best I can do without resorting to street drugs or illicitly obtained prescriptions for Adderall or something... which I'm actually going to attempt to do, soon. Apparently, though doctor-shopping for opiates is next to impossible nowadays, getting a scrip for ADD drugs is surprisingly easy, as long as you don't look like a meth addict I guess. This is according to my speed-freak toxic twin, anyway, who says that amphetamines were a huge help when it came to finishing his MA.
So anyway, I took three of the black pills about an hour ago and I feel like shit right now, but I'm glad I feel that way because I have no desire to eat. I forgot, however, that I have an appointment with my shrink at 2:00 today, and I'm shaking like a goddamn leaf right now. I guess I can just tell him I'm cold, or getting over a fever or something. If I'd remembered I had an appointment today, I'd have probably waited to take the pills, or maybe taken one instead of three.
I should cut this short. The Boy's sister is wandering around... and also, I need to get ready to leave for the doc's.
- FoxyContin
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