Ah, a lovely vision of tranquility.
It's 3:09 AM and I'm awake because I'm in pain. Like, a stupidly, ridiculously absurd amount of pain. I had to walk to the store earlier (even though I am still recovering from the flu and am having trouble breathing) because the Boy was "too tired" to do it, and it needed to be done. Well, I got caught in a downpour on the way there, and so by the time I got home I was literally drenched from head to foot. I had to keep wringing out the sleeves of my sweater, and there was water sloshing around in my shoes. I was walking, soaked, in the cold, for... well, more than long enough for it to affect me. Let's just say that.
I fell asleep around 11 or so, albeit a little uncomfortably. I woke up at 2 and haven't been able to sleep again since. It sucks because if I sleep on my back, I start coughing and wheezing because there's still so much congestion in my lungs; if I sleep on my side, I may wake up with a shoulder injury. (The right side has been injured so many times that I could probably dislocate it myself merely by thinking about it too hard. The left side seems to be getting worse as years go by.)
Screwed, basically.
Right now, my sternum hurts, mostly from coughing; there are shooting pains in my neck if I turn my head in certain ways; my right shoulder is, as always, clicking and popping every time I move; my knees have that squishy, achy, arthritic feel. The worst part, though, is my lower back and hips, especially in both of the SI (sacro-iliac joint- it's where the base of your spine sort of joins with your pelvis. I can't explain it much better to you right now because... it's 3 AM! Go read Grey's Anatomy.) That's the worst. It feels like someone has been kicking me with combat boots.
I've been walking around and stretching, because that way I can at least loosen up enough to get rid of some of the stiffness and, therefore, the pain. If there was ever a time I'd consider calling the emergency chiro service, this would be it. Raptor Jesus, it effing HURTS. I haven't smoked weed in quite a while, especially because I've had a respiratory illness so, you know, that wouldn't help matters... but I'm really considering it right now. Otherwise, I don't think I'll be able to get back to sleep at all, and I have an appointment tomorrow afternoon (counselling session) that I cannot miss due to a stupid reason like tiredness. I am going to cough my ass off, I just know it... but arg, I'm desperate. There is tramadol in the house... that shit is not for me!
so... brb.
...alright, so the worst thing EVER just happened. (maybe not "ever." hyperbole FTW.) i decided to arm myself with a cold bottle of water to help alleviate any potential coughing fits, so i grabbed one out of the fridge that was about half full. i am the only one who puts water in the fridge, here, so i assumed it was one of my half-finished waters. what i totally forgot is that the other day, while cleaning out the fridge, i emptied the last bit of a bottle of white wine into a water bottle and just sort of stuck it back in there (i didn't want the wine bottle taking up valuable fridgespace, but i can never waste ANYTHING consumable, even alcohol) and i forgot about it. well, the kitchen is dark, and i didn't notice the slightly unusual colour of the bottle's contents.
i just took a hit, started coughing a little, and chugged straight out of that water bottle. AND IT WAS THE WINE THAT I WAS CHUGGING. D:
i think the thing that made it worse is that i was not expecting wine, i was expecting water. it was so cold that, for a second, i didn't notice the taste. but as soon as the smell came up through my nose, i almost spat it all over the keyboard. needless to say, the remainder of the wine is back in the fridge, and i am trying desperately to get the taste out of my mouth. it's not that it's bad wine, it's just that... i really did not need to chug wine just now; i don't chug wine (or any other booze) under normal circumstances either!
at least... not anymore.
oh, and also; wellbutrin lowers your alcohol tolerance, i am currently underweight, and i ate barely anything all day. as it is, a single glass of wine is usually sufficient to get me fairly buzzed, and i generally avoid drinking anyway. so that definitely hit me. i forget where i was going with this.
the alcohol taste is making me slightly nauseated. serves me right. gross.
oh now i'm baked and tipsy. wonderful. baked is fine, but i don't like the face-flush and rubbery knees that alcohol gives me. i am, however, extremely thankful that it was wine and not vodka.
enough about booze. why the fuck am i starting to waste my time thinking about it too? ugh.
++++++++++++++++++++
i HATE when the students come back to town. there's a party or a get-together or SOMETHING going on somewhere in the complex, and they have been hooting and whistling and laughing maniacally (seriously, i'm listening to this guy right now who sounds like he could be an extra from young frankenstein) for HOURS. it's now 3:53 AM on a weeknight, and this is still going on. the joys of low-rent living.
i need to get out. my friend c said that there's going to be a room available where he lives soon, though. he and his girlfriend live there and they rent out the extra room to students. the current room mate is getting ready to move into his own place, apparently, and c's mom (owner of the house) has said she would let me rent it for $400/mo. which isn't bad, since regularly it is $475. i am seriously considering it, because if i am going to challenge the Boy's drinking, i have to be prepared for the chance (probably a 95%+ chance) that he's going to leave me. either that, or he'll just refuse to quit, in which case i'm leaving. if so, i need a place to live. this would be a nice option because i could stay here in town, and maybe i could finally enjoy myself and hang with my friends for a change.
in fact, my friend c (a different c) came over this afternoon. she and i actually know each other from high school, and she dated one of my close friends (they still get along). we had some tea and chatted. it was nice to spend some time in the company of a person who wanted to talk to me while sober. on thursday i'm going to hang out with my friend f - she and i know each other from the call centre- for a few hours. i am trying to force myself to get out more and to spend more time with my friends. i have been neglecting them... i am so tired of staying home because i am scared to leave the Boy alone; of not being able to invite my own friends over, out of embarrassment. fuck it.
alright, this is turning into a rant, which is counterproductive when you are trying to sleep. i'm going to go stretch some more and then rest as much as i can.
xx
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