Internal debate.

You do realize that he's only being so sweet to you because you let him drink again this weekend. It's true. Alright, so maybe you didn't encourage it, exactly, but you were completely passive.

(well, what else could i do? if i made my feelings known, he would have gotten angry.)

So? If you act like you don't care, he's getting away with it.

(he doesn't remember how i acted the following day anyways; blackouts, remember?)

You need to go through with this, J. Today, you need to go downstairs and talk to your superintendent about the details. Then, you need to call your mom and tell her the truth. You need to work out which day you can go see the room, and then you need to start packing, throwing away stuff you don't need, and giving a bunch of it to charity. You need to get a move on with this, because the longer you sit, the harder it will be.

(he's going to wonder why i'm suddenly leaving him when he's being so nice right now.)

And how long is he going to stay nice, J? For a few days, maybe. Then it will be right back to how it was before. You will still be living in this apartment, living in poverty, cleaning up after him, and babysitting him while he drinks himself into a stupor every weekend. Your Hallowe'en will be ruined, just like every other year. Your Christmas will suck. Your New Years' Eve will be horrible- hell, last year was one of the worst nights of your life. Winter is coming soon. You need to get out before the snow flies, or you are condemning yourself. You can't falter now, just because he's being nice to you.

(i'm so tired of it.)

Mom will understand. You know that. She went through the exact same thing.

(i just want to be alone, so i can finally have some peace. maybe even be happy, for once.)

As for Dad... if he wants to get all worked up about it, fine. But you know he's still going to be there for you, and help you. And so will t- and C-. C- even volunteered to drive up in the truck and help me move my stuff from here to the new place.

(i have to do it.)

There are no more excuses.

(i love him, though.)

You probably always will. He'll always have a place in your heart. But you have to let him go. You can't let him hold you back. He has to deal with his problems on his own, because you are becoming codependent... you can't allow this to happen anymore. Go to Al-Anon meetings, or call C- when you need some advice about this. It's not like you lack resources.

(but i couldn't handle it if something happened to him. what if i leave him and he uses his new freedom to destroy himself? the only reason he holds back to any degree at all is because i'm around.)

You are living with an addict. And you *are* an addict. And let's be 100% honest, here. You bought a bottle of T1s on Friday, and all 30 of them were gone by yesterday. Granted, that's a drop in the bucket compared to your former usage, but you found yourself thinking about buying percocet last night too, didn't you? That's how it starts. You weren't even in pain, and if you had been in pain, you know a million better ways you could have dealt with it. You did it because you're standing on a very thin line between independence and giving up. You are a much different person than you used to be, and if you stay with the Boy for much longer, he's going to drag you right back into that pit. You've been reading some of your older entries in this blog, and Present You is absolutely appalled by some of the things Past You has done and said. But the answer is to learn from your mistakes and move forward, not to stay in the sort of environment that Past You would prefer.

(i don't want to go back to that.)

When you and the Boy first found each other, you were exactly the same: Anxious, depressed, perfectionistic, and self-destructive. Let's face it, even though you needed to get away from I- because he was controlling and somewhat abusive, that's not the only reason you fled away to London to be with the Boy. It was because you knew that you'd have free reign to do whatever the hell you wanted. And sure enough, you got your wish. When you first got here, you binge-drank, just like him. You did XTC on more than one occasion, and he was the one who gave it to you. You continued abusing OxyContin and morphine, and he bought it for you and did it with you. Now, you have managed to overcome a LOT of your demons, at least enough for you to stabilize a bit. You know that you don't want to get back into that lifestyle. You have changed, but he has not. You still aren't well, and you are starting to slip. Time is running out, and you know what you have to do.

(i have to let him go.)

You can't stay in this environment any longer. You started with the substance abuse as a means of coping with your hypomania, depression and anxiety, originally. You wanted to numb yourself. That was the worst thing for you. You needed someone who would be a good example for you, not someone who sees you as their "Toxic Twin." You have come so far, which is incredible considering the environment you live in, and if you really do value your sobriety- and sanity- then you will make the right choice. You are strong, but you aren't superhuman.

(i'm not strong at all.)

The codeine, J. And you're purging and starving yourself again. Bipolar disorder is no excuse for becoming a junkie, or hurting yourself in other ways, and living with an alcoholic is no excuse either- because you have a choice in the matter. Don't let yourself fall any further than you already have.

(i have to end it.)

I'm sorry.

(T, i'm so sorry.)



.-_-