Fool's Gold.

Just as I am getting settled in my new place,
I get a call that throws everything back into disarray.
...
t (my best friend) and C (her boyfriend-now-soon-to-be-fiance) just signed the lease on a gorgeous house by the waterfront in Port Dalhousie.
The entire downstairs is finished, and apparently huge.
Hardwood floors and all that.
Room for an art/music studio.
Separate entrance.
They want me to go live with them. They've started a business together, a flooring business, and so I can do some work for them
(not the flooring, of course... but I can do the appointment booking and whatnot.)
They'd let me practice driving their vehicles so I can get my license renewed.
I would be closer to Niagara, but in the nice part of it...
Close enough to see my family much more often... but not living in the bad areas anymore.
It is perfect, of course. I mean, don't get me wrong... I like living with C and J where I am right now... but I have one room to myself,
and I'm a fifteen minute walk from the closest bus route that I would need to use,
And wouldn't you know it?
I am absolutely distraught at the thought of moving again, even though they said they'd take care of everything.

...
I know what I have to do. I have such an amazing opportunity in front of me.
It would be a new start for everybody. That is what t and C are looking for, and that's why they got the house.
They say I deserve a fresh start, too,
and that living here need only be temporary.
Another month or two, tops.
...
but
(i just can't stand the thought of moving again.)
...
My other excuse for not wanting to leave is that I know I will never find another chiropractor like Dr. F.
Yes, that's important to me since a) his adjustments have always worked the best, and b) he's just so cool.
I would miss him too. Isn't that funny?
Probably the coolest London friend I've made.
...
(It would be a mistake. I know it would. I've started putting roots down here
and
the last thing I need is to go and uproot myself again.)
...
so... word has spread fast, apparently, that things between T and I are over.
The very first person to "swoop in", so to speak- and I kid you not- is actually a sportscaster on The Score.
I've been talking to him here and there for a while now on Facebook
(and he has spent the last four days trying to convince me to go to his condo in downtown Toronto
and stay the night with him,
not being at all shy about telling me what his intentions are.)
Of course, I'm sure he'll tire of me soon,
so I don't take it very seriously.
...
I have another friend, though
and, same thing. He's obsessed with me, all of a sudden.
I mean, he's a nice guy. Good looking, early thirties. Professional photographer, does mostly weddings.
Oh. And he's married.
...
He's always been a little flirty. I've known him since last summer,
when I was living with t at her parents' house.
He was a few weeks away from his own wedding when we first met, and was very up front about it, so I always considered him harmless.
Lately though, he is absolutely insistent upon driving to London to spend the day with me,
and he wants to spend it at a hotel.
...
I don't want to do anything with him. If he were single and I wasn't just coming out of a relationship, maybe.
Between the two of them, I don't know what to think.
This isn't isolated, either. There is another guy from Toronto (and who is also a TV host) who wants the same thing
and although he isn't married, he does have a girlfriend.
...
I'll admit it. I'm very, very lonely right now.
I've felt unloved for a very long time, and now I'm single.
(this is good for you! fight it! fight it!)
but...
I can't bring myself to do that. I have too much respect for... well, I don't have much respect for myself
but
I'm not getting in the way of a marriage or a relationship of any kind.
The sportscaster guy, A... he's single. But still, I don't know. That seems a little trashy, doesn't it?
(he's actually really charming and extremely intelligent. he's even on the board of directors for the Brampton Symphony Orchestra.)
In other words... definitely attractive to me. I adore smart guys.
but...
just because he's that kind of guy
it wouldn't make my spending the night with him any less trashy.
...
I'm torn into a million pieces.
I have too many choices, too many decisions to make
and I do not always make the best decisions.
I'm so tense and edgy lately that I am in constant pain, and it feels as if my joints are rusted.
I am empty and alone. Fragile and hollow.
I want to be alone, but I don't.
I want someone here with me, and I don't know who, just someone who wouldn't care if I cried.
Should I move again, one more time?
Should I try to survive in London another year?
Should I just say "fuck morals" for once, and spend the night with A if it would make me happy?
Should I bother trying at all?




xx