Red day on blue street.

Swagger.

Although I generally consider myself to be "one of the guys"- just about as un-girly as it gets- there's still something about getting a nice new outfit that boosts your confidence. And I got a gift card for Christmas for a store that I really like buying clothes from, and it was more than sufficient to buy a few great staple pieces. Right now I'm wearing black tights; this black and charcoal gray (horizontally) striped long-sleeved shirt that goes down to my mid-thighs; a soft, puffy black scarf; this ultraviolet/blue glitter nail polish that I found when cleaning out my room (bought months ago, then never used it, then lost it.) I got some other things too, but this is the most warm and comfortable.

And I'm dead sexy.

(Alright, I'm baked too.)

...

Confidence training. That's all. I am feeling a little better today, because I received some mail that solved the mystery of the $1,700 in my account: I was entitled to overlapping payments for my first month of ODSP. So, yes, that money is mine. I spent some time breaking down all of my expenses earlier and doing some budgeting. It turns out I can afford to settle one of my credit cards, to make a decent payment on the other, and pay... at least some on my OSAP as well. I can also afford my bus pass, groceries, and even put some into my savings account for a rainy day. For the first time in a long time, I can breathe easy about that.

... and when I say "I am feeling a little better today", I mean strictly in the psychological sense. Physically, FFFUUUUUUUU-

I have been trying to keep very active and have been doing a lot of walking. It is getting quite cold here, though, and recently it snowed about four inches (yes I'm Canadian and I measure snow in inches) so that adds a little difficulty to the whole walking experience for me. I don't mean to sound like a pussy, but I haven't been to my chiropractor in about two weeks (actually, longer, because he wasn't there last time and the other one adjusted me. Did a good job, but not the same) and all of the usual places are extremely sore, including my shoulder which I hit on a doorframe whilst mildly tipsy at the family Christmas party. I'm going to go tomorrow, provided they have any appointment space available. If not... going to need more weed. :/

...

Anyway, I am in bed with an elaborate array of pillows behind me and one of those reading cushions with arms propping up my legs. I've managed to wedge myself into everything in such a way that my neck is tractioned out a little bit and the pressure is off my lower back (even just lying on the mattress hurts) so that there is some minimal relief... provided that I don't move too much. Although my fingers are stiff and cold- they always are, nowadays- I have a slight fever from the pain, and my face is flushed. My legs are cramping up just as a reaction to the sharp pain in my hips and lower back, so everything below T12 is just killing me. (I'm too high to explain; again, I direct you to Gray's Anatomy if you really don't know.)

At least, for the most part, I didn't have a lot of pain over the holiday break. I had a great time, as I mentioned, and got to reconnect with some family that I haven't seen in ages. Things went much better, despite all of the comments on my weight. Now that I'm back home, I miss them all even more than I usually do. My mother and I especially have become much closer over these past few years, more so than I ever would have imagined when I was younger and battling with her on a constant basis, and I am very grateful for that. My dad and I are close as well, but as it is much easier for him to travel and also to take time off of work, I see him more often than I see her. We speak on the phone regularly, but it's not enough.

In fact, both my mother and stepfather quit smoking eight weeks ago and surprised me with it just before the holiday break. It was awesome to be able to wake up after spending the night in their house and not be coughing up tobacco-flavoured grossness all the next day. They're using these vaporizer things that give them nicotine in a water vapour form that comes out looking like smoke but smelling like nothing. You reduce the concentration of the nicotine in the liquid you use gradually, therefore slowly weaning yourself off of it. And let me tell you, if my mother and stepfather can quit, anyone can.

It's inspiring. As was the time my dad quit smoking when I told him that's all I wanted for my birthday.

I have awesome parents.

...

Sorry for the ranting, although hey! At least it's positive. I'm not hypomanic at the moment, although I may sound like I am, I'm just trying to get my mind off this pain. I have been trying to walk more today, which I suppose was counterproductive. There is a Shopper's Drug Mart very close by, but I don't even want to use Tylenol 1s anymore. From here on in, the only time I will ever use opiates again is if I have surgery or something like that. I'm not necessarily worried about getting back into them; it's just that I'd prefer not to have them around if I don't need to.

Fucking ouch, though.

And now for something completely different... I made a quesadilla out of a whole wheat soft tortilla, a little bit of marble cheddar, and a lot of tomato. I love tomato. Grilled it in the mini convection oven and put some of J-'s grandpa's crazy hot Italian pepper in it- my family has a similar one- and that is certainly serving well to distract me. I haven't eaten much lately, and when I do, I try to keep it somewhat healthy. In this case, we're very low on groceries and this was the best option. The only fruit was the tomatoes, and there's no veggies (see what I did there) so this is about as healthy as I could manage... lots of tomato.

I think I'm going to try and get some rest, in fact. It's been a long day, and after this food I really just want to slip away from this pain, and what better way than into a nice warm bed? Eating before sleeping is a bad idea, but fuck it. Got lots accomplished today, but there's still tons to do tomorrow. No sleeping past 8. I find it hard to get up in the mornings since moving here, because the only window in my room is actually underneath the back deck. (I'm in the basement.) So no light gets in; it could be noon and it'll still be mostly dark. Usually, if it's past a certain time (9 is my usual lately, unless I get up earlier on my own) I'll turn my bedside light on and just leave it on. It kind of deters me from wanting to sleep anymore, but I could use some real sunlight or maybe one of those light boxes for the S.A.D. people.

Alright, time for bed.



xx.